Today I enjoyed lunch at the caf. When I got my sandwhich, I noticed they gave me TWO pickles! I was so delighted that I started eating one of them before I even sat down, but after a bite I got really self conscious about possibly being known as the over-eager pickle chick and saved the rest for after my butt hit the chair. As I was eating, though, I noticed there were pickles already ON the sandwhich in addition to the two free standing ones I was given. I don't know if you're as bad at math as I am, but that's a lot of pickles for one sitting. I have this thing about pickles on sandwhiches so I took them off and ate them individually. Pickles are fantastic and I'm a huge fan, but they're so overpowering to the rest of the flavor of the sandwhich that they're best enjoyed separately. After my systematic pickle eating lunch, I went to place my plate with the rest of the dirty dishes, but I realized that I had left one of my whole pickles sitting on the plate as trash! I had eaten so many pickles, though, that I couldn't bear another, as much as I do love them. I saw the woman taking the plates from behind the wall and was struck with panic. She's going to think that I wasted my pickle!!!!!!!!!! She's going to shake her and head and sigh and say, "another good pickle lost to a wasteful student." Little does she know that I did my best, and was given TWO pickles in addition to a sandwhich bursting at the buns with them! I went to bat for my pickles. I debated grabbing my plate back and throwing the pickle in the nearest garbage can, but decided that would probably make me look even more guilty, as she definitely saw the lone pickle on my plate already. Because I didn't want to look like I was covering up, I thought about being totally honest and up front and telling her about the double pickle incident.
"...so therefore I already did eat a whole slice, and with the 7 pieces on the sandwhich calculated in, probably a whole other slice over the duration of this lunch. Given my BMI divided by my weight multiplied by my height and added to my stomach acidity, I actually exceeded my Personal Pickle Portion for the day...you know, the good ol PPP."
I even thought that maybe I could throw in a song by that VeggieTales character that looks like a pickle as a tribute to show my devotion...until I remembered that his name is Larry and he's a cucumber...yet to be pickled.
But as I stood staring at the lonely, green vegetable deciding what to do, it was whisked away and I had no time to react. Moral: find a good home for your uneaten pickles.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
livin life in the splash zone
Anyone who knows me fairly well, knows to avoid human contact with me before 10 AM. Even 10 is pushing it-if you really want to play it safe, I'd wait it out until 11, or until I have caffeine in my system. So you can imagine that an 8 AM class every Tuesday and Thursday is a terror for me.
This morning I hit the snooze on my alarm 4 times before I even realized it was daylight. My first thoughts are that I hate my life, my bed is comfy, and should I skip class. When 7:30 rolls around I jump into panic mode which literally translates to a zombie walk to the bathroom. This particular morning I find Shelby jovially straightening her hair at the sink. Now, the sequence of events that follow are fuzzy. My memory recalls something like this:
"Shelby, darling! How are you this beautiful morning? You look radiant!"
"Aw, Skells, you are a gem!"
"Would you mind terribly if I scooted in as my class commences in 20 minutes?"
"please do!"
"Oh, lovely!"
But, I am quite positive that if we were to interview Shelby on the exchange, it would go more like this:
"Morning, Skells!"
"Pee. Now. Class. Go."
*Door slam in her face*
Back in my room I put on the clothes the self from last night layed out. This is a new trick of mine. If left to my own vices, I will walk out the door pantless with one shoe on, only to awaken at 10:30 sitting in my second class blushing deeply at my state of dress...or undress.
I swear that my 8 AM classmates must wonder how I got into college. Of course this class is all group work, and I struggle to piece together any thoughts that could be recognized as coherant let alone pertaining to a particular topic. My mind skips in monosyllabic words...food, dog, bed, shoe, why, am, i, here. I try to let my mind roam to new places...but it just stands there. As I'm coercing it to venture out into the world, I catch myself drooling. Great. How is that chick sitting across from me wearing real clothes? Why are her eyes open? What God foresaken hour did she get up to do her make up? I wipe the drool off as she shoots me a weird look. I have an urge to stand up, march to the front of the room, ask my professor to stop talking for a second and announce that I'm usually much more pulled together and drooling isn't a regular act for me...well, after 10 AM that is. DON'T JUDGE ME, GIRL WHO LOOKS PRESENTABLE!!!! I'm at a crossroads to either keep up appearances as a functioning 20 year old, or continue my discussion with my brain hoping for a multiple syllable word (food, dog, bed, shoe...why, am, I, WEARING, this--yessss success! 2 syllables!) While I reason with myself, I realize that I've missed the entire class. At least I'm still awake? But crap, I'm not wearing a bra. I'm positive no one noticed, though. Good thing I didn't jump in front of the class to plead my case, the lack of bra could have made that embarrassing.
So if you happen to catch me in the morning, take no offense if I yell at you in broken English, point at you with body parts other than my fingers, or drool on you. Maybe I should post a placard for your benefit..."before 10 AM this is a splash zone".
This morning I hit the snooze on my alarm 4 times before I even realized it was daylight. My first thoughts are that I hate my life, my bed is comfy, and should I skip class. When 7:30 rolls around I jump into panic mode which literally translates to a zombie walk to the bathroom. This particular morning I find Shelby jovially straightening her hair at the sink. Now, the sequence of events that follow are fuzzy. My memory recalls something like this:
"Shelby, darling! How are you this beautiful morning? You look radiant!"
"Aw, Skells, you are a gem!"
"Would you mind terribly if I scooted in as my class commences in 20 minutes?"
"please do!"
"Oh, lovely!"
But, I am quite positive that if we were to interview Shelby on the exchange, it would go more like this:
"Morning, Skells!"
"Pee. Now. Class. Go."
*Door slam in her face*
Back in my room I put on the clothes the self from last night layed out. This is a new trick of mine. If left to my own vices, I will walk out the door pantless with one shoe on, only to awaken at 10:30 sitting in my second class blushing deeply at my state of dress...or undress.
I swear that my 8 AM classmates must wonder how I got into college. Of course this class is all group work, and I struggle to piece together any thoughts that could be recognized as coherant let alone pertaining to a particular topic. My mind skips in monosyllabic words...food, dog, bed, shoe, why, am, i, here. I try to let my mind roam to new places...but it just stands there. As I'm coercing it to venture out into the world, I catch myself drooling. Great. How is that chick sitting across from me wearing real clothes? Why are her eyes open? What God foresaken hour did she get up to do her make up? I wipe the drool off as she shoots me a weird look. I have an urge to stand up, march to the front of the room, ask my professor to stop talking for a second and announce that I'm usually much more pulled together and drooling isn't a regular act for me...well, after 10 AM that is. DON'T JUDGE ME, GIRL WHO LOOKS PRESENTABLE!!!! I'm at a crossroads to either keep up appearances as a functioning 20 year old, or continue my discussion with my brain hoping for a multiple syllable word (food, dog, bed, shoe...why, am, I, WEARING, this--yessss success! 2 syllables!) While I reason with myself, I realize that I've missed the entire class. At least I'm still awake? But crap, I'm not wearing a bra. I'm positive no one noticed, though. Good thing I didn't jump in front of the class to plead my case, the lack of bra could have made that embarrassing.
So if you happen to catch me in the morning, take no offense if I yell at you in broken English, point at you with body parts other than my fingers, or drool on you. Maybe I should post a placard for your benefit..."before 10 AM this is a splash zone".
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
take a ride on my brain
This is going to be a random string of thoughts. Rules for this kind of writing are that you are not allowed to stop and preplan what you will say next. Let the words flow as they may...so if this makes little to no sense, then I am sorry.
Everyone always walks around saying "I hate hospitals" which is what we're programmed to say. What we actually mean is that we hate seeing people we love in pain and suffering, helpless on a bed. But I actually DON'T hate hospitals the more I thought about it after saying above quote expressing my negative feelings. Hospitals have a lot of good in them. Those beds adjust at a press of a button! and then there are nurses! Nurses are those brave people who clean up disgusting situations and poke much needed needles in people's arms! I faint at the thought of a needle, while these people shoot things in veins like it's brushing their teeth. Ew. the mixed reference of blood and teeth just made my stomach turn, I'm sorry about that. BUT there is such an overwhelming sense of caring going on in hospitals that you will not find at Disneyland or the beach or any other place you might call your favorite. There is also an unlimited amount of television literally right in front of your face, and meals are brought to you in bed. Okay, so you may not feel so hot and may not want to finish those meals, and they may be green blobs or brown unrecognizable creations, but it is extremely thoughtful nonetheless. And there are babies! Who does not want a baby?! well..me actually. But in theory, babies are so precious! I for one do not want to pop one of those out of my who-who anytime soon, and especially after witnessing what an epidural would look like first hand on monday night, I'm especially inclined to stay celibate with my legs firmly closed for a good long while. I for one do not have child bearing hips and my dear friend informed me that I shouldn't worry-that your hips stretch when you have kids. EXCUSE ME?? stretch!?! i don't think so. I like being straight as a 12 year old dude and I do not feel the need to have to turn sideways to fit my hips through doorways. I digress. But ah, the miracle of life! It happens in a hospital, and it's beautiful.
Next topic on my mind: parallel universes. The idea that there are infinite universes where YOU are present and doing the opposite of what you're doing here on this Earth. I really believe that I am living in one right now. Same place, same people, completely different vibe. What is going on?! How are you supposed to transition from real world to this alternate one? I'm still me, but I have to be a different kind of me in this same exact situation...so I have to pretend like I'm not me even though I am me...ya know?! It's not easy, but I should probably train myself. However, I won't adjust without some pissyness, pain, and possibly some forced pleasantness. Yes, that was alliteration...it makes the world go around, you know? Words are fantastic that way, and I hate when people don't use the full range of arsenal at their disposal to say what they need. Why say snotty when you could say lofty? or dangerous when you could say harrowing?! I find myself dumbing down to appease other people, and I'm afraid I'm slowly making myself dumber in the process. I should plow ahead using my descriptive language and not worrying about the lesser individuals who don't read or don't care about relaying their message. My message is so important, that you may need a dictionary to understand it, but that is not my problem, buy a pocket one or don't talk to me. Right?? Why am I so concerned with looking like a nerd for YOUR sake?! do you KNOW who I am????! I'm getting so worked up. I should calm back down.
Next time I will have a purpose and a better message to this blog.
Everyone always walks around saying "I hate hospitals" which is what we're programmed to say. What we actually mean is that we hate seeing people we love in pain and suffering, helpless on a bed. But I actually DON'T hate hospitals the more I thought about it after saying above quote expressing my negative feelings. Hospitals have a lot of good in them. Those beds adjust at a press of a button! and then there are nurses! Nurses are those brave people who clean up disgusting situations and poke much needed needles in people's arms! I faint at the thought of a needle, while these people shoot things in veins like it's brushing their teeth. Ew. the mixed reference of blood and teeth just made my stomach turn, I'm sorry about that. BUT there is such an overwhelming sense of caring going on in hospitals that you will not find at Disneyland or the beach or any other place you might call your favorite. There is also an unlimited amount of television literally right in front of your face, and meals are brought to you in bed. Okay, so you may not feel so hot and may not want to finish those meals, and they may be green blobs or brown unrecognizable creations, but it is extremely thoughtful nonetheless. And there are babies! Who does not want a baby?! well..me actually. But in theory, babies are so precious! I for one do not want to pop one of those out of my who-who anytime soon, and especially after witnessing what an epidural would look like first hand on monday night, I'm especially inclined to stay celibate with my legs firmly closed for a good long while. I for one do not have child bearing hips and my dear friend informed me that I shouldn't worry-that your hips stretch when you have kids. EXCUSE ME?? stretch!?! i don't think so. I like being straight as a 12 year old dude and I do not feel the need to have to turn sideways to fit my hips through doorways. I digress. But ah, the miracle of life! It happens in a hospital, and it's beautiful.
Next topic on my mind: parallel universes. The idea that there are infinite universes where YOU are present and doing the opposite of what you're doing here on this Earth. I really believe that I am living in one right now. Same place, same people, completely different vibe. What is going on?! How are you supposed to transition from real world to this alternate one? I'm still me, but I have to be a different kind of me in this same exact situation...so I have to pretend like I'm not me even though I am me...ya know?! It's not easy, but I should probably train myself. However, I won't adjust without some pissyness, pain, and possibly some forced pleasantness. Yes, that was alliteration...it makes the world go around, you know? Words are fantastic that way, and I hate when people don't use the full range of arsenal at their disposal to say what they need. Why say snotty when you could say lofty? or dangerous when you could say harrowing?! I find myself dumbing down to appease other people, and I'm afraid I'm slowly making myself dumber in the process. I should plow ahead using my descriptive language and not worrying about the lesser individuals who don't read or don't care about relaying their message. My message is so important, that you may need a dictionary to understand it, but that is not my problem, buy a pocket one or don't talk to me. Right?? Why am I so concerned with looking like a nerd for YOUR sake?! do you KNOW who I am????! I'm getting so worked up. I should calm back down.
Next time I will have a purpose and a better message to this blog.
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