If I could have anything

If I could have anything, it wouldn’t be your love.  Love slips and slides and shape shifts too easily.   It’s never easy to grasp and because of this uncertainty it carries, often we’re hesitant to call anything by its name.  Our fears step in to disguise it as other emotions- less strong, less binding ones.  But I don’t need you to decide you love me.  I don’t need that confusing, abstract description of your sentiments.  No.  


If I could have anything, I’d want you to miss me.  I want your heart to sink into your stomach at the thought of the time stretching before we’re reunited.  I want your body to ache at the physical distance.  I want you to see something that reminds you of me in my absence and smile.  I want everything to remind you of me in my absence.  I want to move you; and love alone can’t. 


Love is just an explanation,“I’m drawn to you”, “we have a connection”, “I find you fascinating”.  But these moments that make up missing someone are concrete – their eyes running through your head, an insignificant memory spurred spontaneously, a rush of emptiness in your empty bed.  You can deny to yourself that you’re drawn to me, that you feel a connection, that you find me fascinating; but you can’t deny the physical heartache of missing me.

401Kittens?

I will be a grown up in roughly 3 weeks and I’m still not entirely sure all that entails. Do I file for a 401K? Do I start wearing Spanx and sensible shoes? When in a heated debate do I instruct someone to speak with my lawyer? Because to me, 401 is my friend Shelby’s area code, my idea of sensible shoes are my 5 inch heels with the extra strap around the ankle for drunken stability, and Law and Order should have been cancelled 12 seasons ago.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but as graduation day looms, I realize that everything I thought was the natural next step just doesn’t sit right with me. I feel like that asshole groom with cold feet, but as much as I like wood, I’m just not interested in marrying a desk. For the first time in my life I’m paralyzed by the thought of the future.

When I use the word paralyzed, I’m not saying this lightly or figuratively. Oh no. Lately you can find me rocking back and forth in a dark room, blinds drawn, with the only light illuminating from indeed.com. I’m probably muttering, “proficient in Microsoft office” or “excellent time management skills” with the occasional f bomb thrown in there whenever I run out of Raisinettes and cream cheese and I’m forced to go to the Dollar Store again to pick up more. I’m torn between what I want to do and what I feel I must do. But although this whole graduation thing feels like THE END, it’s only AN ending, and the rest of life is for us. For us to get a 401k or rack up our phone bill calling Shelby’s Rhode Island number, or maybe do both. Maybe I don’t have to choose. They give you about 22 years to go through a structured environment with your hand held and few decisions to make, but they give you the rest of your life to figure out how to create what you want from this being. That’s some understanding leeway. Someday what I must and what I want could be intertwined, but until then I suppose I should enjoy this first dance with uncertainty…after all, I AM pretty darn proficient in Microsoft Office. Watch out, world.