TMI

I fear that I have TMI disorder. I tend to want to devulge and extract TOO MUCH INFORMATION from everyone I come in contact with. When someone asks me, "how are you?" I have an urge to tell them about how stressed I am about my French test and the fight I had with my mom that morning. This conversation could go on for quite some time depending on my current state, and so I usually try to keep it to a quick "good"-as much as it pains me. It goes the opposite way though, too. When I ask someone how they are, I really want to hear about the things in their life that are pissing them off or making them smile. I take special fascination in strangers. Oh my God how I love an airport! Bring on those layovers! I love to sit and watch everyone and I always wonder what their story is. Where are they going and why? Where's home? Taking a plane somewhere takes planning, so obviously these people are going somewhere awaited, and that is exciting to me. I suppose it's a little nosey of me to desperately want to pry into every random stranger's life story in an airport, but I can't help but feel the draw. However, this desire comes with my final symptom of TMI disorder. I have a staring problem. It's like I'm trying to read the person's mind and I can't break eye contact with their face until I have it all figured out. This is a particular problem because instead of looking away when the person feels my eyes on them, like any normal human would, I continue! Lucky for me I don't hang out with the Soprano's, and for the most part people ignore my blatant eye contact. I don't mean harm with my staring, but I like to soak in the world from a distance like watching a movie...I just forget that in this movie, the actors are um, not actors, and can see me. So all of this is seen as social awkwardness, but I like to think I'm just more introspective and deeper than everyone else.

Running

I think of my life in terms of running when things get difficult or confusing. There's a steady pace to running and a formula. One foot in front of the other, a rhythm to the way my legs move and my feet hit the pavement. The beat from my feet travel up my body and soothe my brain. when life is crazy...running is the same and running won't let me down. The road stretches for as far as my legs will take me. On hills I push myself like im pushing all the emotional pain out of my body and leaving it on the road. That's where I find peace. It's gonna be ok, just keep one foot in front of the other. Just keep your eyes on the horizon and reach for it.

the divide

I've often battled with coming to terms with my "religiousness". My parents raised me in a household where church was a constant, and the congregation my extended family. When you're little, it becomes a part of you and your weekly routine like watching your favorite show on Wednesdays, or getting up to go to school every weekday. Sunday meant Sunday school and church. It didn't occur to me to dislike it until confirmation came around, and the middle school group-think began to take over. I took such a strong disliking to church during that time-whether it was because I found it boring or too difficult to mull over or just uncool, I can't remember. Maybe all of those things. But in high school a new divide came for me where I was surrounded by people I looked up to that embraced being Christian. It was then that I first became moved by being in that environment. Although I'd like to think that I've grown since my fickle days of not being able to make up my mind about Christianity and what it means to me and how it fits into who I am; and though my mother would ache to read this...I'm still searching to find my balance. Attempting to strike that balance between what it is to be 20 years old in 2009, and who I feel like I want to be everytime I stand in chapel leaves me divided. Tonight as a sat at my school's prayer circle/worship/reflection gathering, I felt full of hope and desire to be more, to do more, to love openly, to accept God into my life because I need Him. I feel like I can do anything when I'm there in such a peaceful, true place. Then I'm back in my own reality, and there are so many different directions I'm being pulled and it's hard to hear His voice above the noise. I admire my peers who are set on their path and can hear Him so clearly. I guess sometimes I just don't even know what to listen for, and other times I don't want to hear Him at all. Maybe I'm weak to let the pressures of the world collapse my faith, and only allow it to grow where it's easy in the presence of those who understand. But while the world tries its best to knock us completely off balance, in the end what's "good" is universal- truth and kindness and graciousness. So I suppose I'll continue to strive for that and figure the rest out on the way.

modern day prince charming?

I'm just getting over the swine flu, and even though it has been one of, if not THE, worst experience of my life, being sick and unattached from any sort of social scene or reality for almost 5 days really puts things into perspective. Sometimes we get so crowded in our heads that we forget that things are a lot simpler than we've built them up to be. It's okay to move on...it's ok to drop this dude right where i have him, if i have him...and be fine. I just wish that serendipidous things happened like in movies...but unfortunately no one drops a stack of papers on the street and a gorgeous male modelesque man runs to pick them up with a witty line that happens to be from your favorite book. there are many reasons that this does not happen. One: male models do not exist in real life, they are manufactured on an assembly line. Two: if you drop a large quantity of anything, or if you just trip, you're most likely to get stares or laughs. no one actually HELPS. Three: men don't read. So as you see, the odds are truly against us. Then how are we supposed to meet this true love that exists (hopefully) out there floating in the abyss? Where is this faceless blob and how do I get in contact with him? And so we go about our day to day, keeping an eye out for this mystery man who will sweep us off our feet and into our happily ever after. We have become so accustomed to this ideal vision of what "may" happen, that we forget to make our OWN destiny! But no, to march up to someone you've admired from afar and introduce yourself isn't okay because our society has said so. There has to be some kind of connection! Do I run around joining random clubs to gain that connection? do i take extra classes? i haven't figured it out yet, but until then, i desperately want to walk up to him, a basic stranger, and announce, "I want to KNOW you".