just north of the mason dixon line

I'm so refreshed and energized after a week away from school, California, and all the mixed up crazyness that seems to build up. Being home was amazing. People at home know you unlike anyone else in the world. You don't have to explain yourself, they can read your face. I hadn't seen a lot of family and friends in about 3 months, and some even longer, but it was like I never left. My little town with no traffic lights hadn't changed-with the exception of the leaves being on the ground and the air bitingly cold. You know that feeling when you're little and you fall asleep in the car and you can feel your dad pick you up to take you inside to bed? That's what going home feels like for me-maybe a little less groggy-but I can drop my defenses and let the familiarity cradle me. I never would have guessed that someday my favorite place in the entire world would be New Freedom, PA. I was so eager to leave and become someone. What I didn't know was that Pennsylvania had already made me the only someone I'd ever need to be, and it took leaving to realize it. My close knit community of neighbors, congregation, teachers, relatives, parents, and friends' parents raised me, and I'm so blessed to have had that as a constant my entire 20 years.

the sport of eating

Thanksgiving should be a time of reflection and graciousness, but every Thanksgiving I've experienced is laced with indigestion and stress. Today I woke up at 5:30 AM to make the 5 hour drive to my grandparents house. Ding! Ding! Round one. The relatives flow in and the interviews begin. You'd think California is a foreign land and I a brave pioneer for taking the Oregon Trail with Sacagawea to get there. Yes, all my westward movement references are jumbled, but so is my brain after a long day of turkey. Instead of a covered wagon though, my mode of transportation was a Boeing 757. After answering the tenth vague question about how school is going, and after my uncle's rendition of "California Girls", I reach for a large glass of wine. The food is placed as a buffet and instantly everyone in the house gains a sixth sense and migrates to the kitchen. My grandma, a true Lutheran, instructs my youngest cousin to say the "short grace", and the word "amen" may as well be the starting gunshot at a derby. With my plate in one hand and rapidly diminishing glass of white wine in the other, I'm faced with my second difficult decision of the day after white meat or dark. Where do I sit? At the kid's table or with the adults? Now that every kid is in 8th grade or older, what's the cutoff? I rationalize taht since I'm carrying alcohol, I belong with the sophisticates.

I'm normally a painfully slow eater, but when i sit down to my plate at Thanksgiving, I eat like an out of control bulimic. Conversation? What's that? I grunt half hearted yes's and no's to questions thrown my way, afraid that if I stop shoveling, it might all disappear. Eventually after second helpings I slow down and am immediatly hit with an overwhelming sensation of returning from the Matrix. Crap, I really ate all that food?! Oh, pie! And I'm back into darkness until I regain consciousness holding a plate smeared with the remains of 2 types of pie. Looks like pumpkin and raspberry...wait, I HATE pumpkin pie!? Are those ginger snaps? Of course, I'll have 3 please. My once loose jeans are now skin tight and I wonder if my friends will still love me...or recognize me when they roll me off the plane in LA. The frightening image of me at 300 lbs calls for comfort in the form of extra stuffing. But don't worry, the beer I'm currently enjoying is light.

But really, I'm thankful for so much this year, but mostly for the opportunity to be with my family for the holiday. I used to really take for granted the time I got to spend with my parents, my sister, and my relatives. I realize now how much I value them and miss them...and home. This was my first Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh without my grandfather, and I regret not taking in and cherishing every moment and holiday I had with him. Even though he wasn't there tonight at our SECOND thanksgiving of the day with the Skelly's, I felt him urging me to live for the moment I'm in and love the one's I'm with.

please be sure your seatback is in its full and upright position

I hate flying. So naturally I chose a school 3000 miles away on the opposite side of the country. Everytime I fly it starts off pretty much the same: the flight attendant comes over the intercom asking that everyone focus their full attention to the tvs for emergency evacuation information. Immediately I sit up a little straighter, trying my best to retain all the info. Frantically I look around and notice that NO ONE is paying attention! EXCUSE ME MA'AM, could you at least OPEN YOUR EYES?! Why is no one as concerned with safety precautions as I am, I wonder. I mean, there's noway I can pull off this emergency water landing by myself! Omg, wait, I missed that last part! Crap. Who's going to inflate the slide now?! Wait, we're still on the ground. Okay, breathe. I make a mental note to myself that even if we WERE allowed to secure someone else's oxygen mask before our own, I would not help that lady with her eyes closed. Her indifference is appalling. After taxing, the engines fire up and in sync, so does my blood pressure. That lady's eyes are STILL closed. How can you be that relaxed at a time like this?! If my eyes aren't open then obviously we will drive off the runway and into a ditch. At this moment I pause to acknowledge that I may have control issues-but that's besides the point because we're in the air and I suddenly feel a tightning in my chest from forgetting to breathe.

Once we're at our cruising altitude, I can usually relax until landing arrives a whole 5 hours away. On this particular flight at this time I can appreciate that the steward on the intercom sounds like John Travolta in Hairspray. Even when the woman next to me spills her entire can of diet coke on my lap, I stay zen (at least it was diet!?). It's just now brough to my attention how incredibly exhausted I am, but sleep is out of the question. I'm known to confide deep dark secrets to anyone in the vicinity of my sleep environment. Thank God that's usually just Megan who takes my blubbering about firemen and apples as humorous and endearing. But I doubt that the businessman in front of me would like to hear about my latest crush-nor do I really care for him to know. Sure, his head is 10 inches from my lap thanks to his reclined seat, but I mean REALLY-we hardly know each other on such an intimate level yet. So sleep is out. That leaves mindless tabloids, Vogue, and Cosmo to devour. Are we there yet?!

let's grow young

I am officially out of my teen years, and more than anything...this fact scares me. Gone are the days where I could blame all of my shenanigans on being a silly teenager. Now I have to take responsibility for my actions! Maybe it's not just that that's getting me anxious. I still feel 16 years old. I dance when I eat, I get butterflies around cute "boys" (men?!), I laugh at immature jokes (I crack immature jokes), I love Disney princesses, and the color pink. Are you allowed to love the color pink when you're 30?! That worries me. I still value my mother's approval above anyone else's and I still feel like I can get away with things as the baby of my family...twenty isn't so innocent. So do you wake up one day with sudden knowledge about 401 ks and an urge to pick out paint chips for the powder room? I'm waiting on this transformation to happen, but a little concerned about its tardyness. But then I think back to when I worked at the nursing home with the elderly people and the very distinct realization that everyone in the room felt 16, even though I was the only one who looked it on the outside. Maybe we're not supposed to grow up and become boring. The "grown ups" are just people who have forgotten their true selves. So I'm going to march on with my addiction to Twilight and weakness for Susie Cake and I'll never lose the sheer excitement on Christmas morning or forget how fun a girls night in with junk food can be :)

the grind

So it's 12:15 AM, all my roommates are cozy in their beds sleeping and I am sitting here trying to write an outline for my French research paper...in French no less. I have a total of five other windows up on my computer and I cannot for two seconds stay entirely focused. I can't stop thinking about what I'm actually going to do with my life. I spent the day today taking pictures of a girl for her portfolio, and it was exhilarating and exciting and the best kind of stressful. I've adored photography for quite some time now...when you use film and get to see your image burned onto a tiny negative and then you get to create it all over again onto paper, changing the light and making it into the piece of art you envisioned. It's the world through my eyes for everyone else to understand. I'd always focused mainly on objects and landscapes and expressive shots, and although I still love to find those angles and see things in a new way, I have a new found love for taking portraits. I don't have to think about it, I just see the picture happening and I can feel when the angle is right and how the light is hitting their face and it just comes together. So i got to thinking, why don't I just do this for the rest of my life? Why waste my time being anything other than deliriously happy? The answer is simple. I'm scared. Fashion photography isn't exactly the easiest field to break into and let's face it: I'm not formally trained and don't know the first thing about that kind of composition-I'm just going off my instincts.

I can envision myself at my dream job, but I can't be that daring person to take a step off my well paved path and venture into uncharted territories. I really wish I could. I've secretly envied the people who chose alternate routes to traditional college...to me, those are the people who are living life for themselves and breaking the structured life society has mandated. My heart wants to travel, learn through experience, take pictures, love openly...so my brain reels it back in to "reality". Maybe it's time to change my reality.

Come up for air

Lately, I have particularly been noticing a pattern among young people of the opposite sex. Couples walk around holding hands....for YEARS on end. Now I am by no means a cynical, jaded individual who doesn't believe in love. I absolutly love the idea of love and hope to find it one day. However, I do not believe that we as young people should restrict ourselves for a relationship. They stay in instead of having fun with friends, they give up valuable friendships because of a jealous partner, and abandon their personality to match their significant other's. My peers seem to love their girlfriend or boyfriend of the moment so unconditionally that they are blinded to the fact that the vital balance needed may no longer exist. They cling on because the other person has become so much a part of them that they cannot imagine a life any other way. Instead of using our brains, we're overcome by our hearts. Many of my good friends stay in relationships for no logical reason to the outside world. People come in and out of your life and everyone teaches you something different and changes you in some way. Because of that, dating is crucial. The person we are at age 16 is not the person we are at 20. These are the years we grow into our own person, not morph into another human, and attach ourselves like a parasite.

Then there is the person who feels like maybe something in the relationship is wrong, yet they continue to stay in an unhappy situation. There are so few things in this life that we have control over. More often than not, our happiness is in the hands of fate and the world, but when it comes to who we surround ourselves with and who we choose to be intimate with, we have the reigns. Why would you waste your time on ANYTHING that makes you question your happiness? Why ever settle for "good enough for the moment"? This moment is all we might have and it should have all of your soul in it. If your gut ever questions something, you should listen to it because it will lead you where you need to be, so if your gut questions a relationship, why would you hesitate to find what makes you REALLY happy?

Personally, I have dated many different people and have felt I've been "in love" on a couple occasions. My heart has been broken by almost everyone I've been with, and it's a painful experience. Once the pain has subsided and my heart no longer aches, I am able to reflect on what that relationship has taught me so that I can learn from it for the future. Every person feels like "the one", but taking a step away from the situation can give insight. I am blessed to have had every one of those assholes and that occasional nice guy in my life, because now I have a much better understanding of who I am and what I want. So think outside the box, people! Think outside your tiny bubble of a relationship and realize that there is a world out there.

Love at first sight?

Do you believe in love at first sight? I never really thought I did...obsession at first sight? Absolutly. Love, though, not so much. I've always pictured a cartoon with bulging eyes, his heart beating out of his chest and his jaw unhinged hanging open. Sight alone is not something that can rattle me enough to evoke an emotion like love. But something in me has shifted, and although I'm still not sure about the idea of falling in love with someone the second you lay eyes on them, I do believe that there can be an underlying, unexplainable connection between two people without ever really speaking to someone. I'll admit that I have had obsession at first sight, and I've pursued those with full force and anxiously to see what they have in store for me. But this time is different, this time I have a rising feeling in me that there could be something so right about a random person I've spoken to maybe twice. This time I'm almost too scared to make a move, and I don't want to make a move, I want to slowly learn. I'm not my usual gung-ho self, and my intuition is telling me that my shyness means something. Love at first sight. I once read that the first couple times you see someone your instincts automatically kick in and send you subliminal messages. The key is to know what to listen for, and not blow it off as silly or coincidence. People are drawn to certain other people for reasons, so when that pulling in your gut starts, follow where it leads. I'm learning to listen more carefully and to remember that if no one took a chance, none of the things that make us feel alive would ever happen. So to hell with the people who think you're crazy for chasing an instinct. When your heart is open to the world, the world will open itself to you.