puppy chow

The world would be a better place if children were more like dogs. Think about it. My dog is dependent on me, yes...but all I have to do is let him out to do his thing and feed him twice a day.

I don't cook, and to be honest with you I don't trust people who do cook. So God forbid I have children some day where cooking is slightly necessary if you don't want to end up with the Pillsbury Dough boy for a son. Can't I just measure out a cup of dry food and place it in a bowl for the little darling? hmmm...cereal sounds like an excellent alternative, but I hear young humans need variety. Dogs and kids on occasion have the cuteness factor in common, but children ruin even that for themselves with their ability to communicate. Ability is actually debatable... but their sheer attempt at communication is enough to drive a stable person into the institution for an extended stay. I can deal with barking...but the wide range of vocal capacity children have, mixed with their lack of inhibition and tact makes them a nightmare. Strike three against kids: puppies can be house trained, but your kid will be pooping in his pants for at least 3 years. Your dog is a middle aged man by age 3, and do you know any middle aged men in diapers? If your answer is yes, my deepest sympathies. There is some kind of human/dog feces separation in my brain...like I have less of a problem cleaning up after something of another species, rather than people poo.

Now I know "they" say that when you have your own child, all of this changes. But you know, I've been a nanny and I've worked at a day care and I can honestly say that no child of mine will be any less annoying than those little brats. I don't care if they have my nose (I pray they don't)...or if they have the most adorable tendency to stick olives on their fingers before eating them. Of course I will have children SOME DAY...but all I'm saying is that it would be highly beneficial if they were a little more canine-esque.

case log

There are some people you meet that are instantly likeable. You know what I'm talking about-those people who suck you in and make you think they're the bee's knees with their fun references and witty remarks. But what REALLY makes them so damn easy to like? I've conducted an official sociological experiment on my own, using my own opinions, thoughts, and ever... um patient demeanor.

Exhibit A: The Bubbly Visionary. This girl has got a beautiful perspective on everything in life from the Bible to ants. Her view of the world as being her oyster gets you to thinking that hey, you're running a little low on shell fish in your life, and you might need to transform YOUR world into one of those as well. After being around Exhibit A you might feel a high sensation, and may attempt to single-handedly obtain world peace and cure cancer in 3 days. After leaving her presence and realizing that you are 20 years old and living with your parents, you might experience a little fall from that high horse you were riding. I don't know what kind of happy, go-getter drug this girl emits, but it's serious business...jump on the Lindsay band wagon and check yourself into rehab.

Exhibit B: The Mime. This guy will take specific note of your likes, reactions, and cadence and match his exactly. He then subtly redirects the conversation and you find yourself talking passionately about tea and the meaning of art like it's your job. Who's the mime now?! The subtle mind trick will make this guy look like a pure genius, and may leave you in awe and coming back for more of his rare interests that have suddenly become your own. BUT it's not that hard to tune into people's thoughts and emotions, replicate and reiterate them ever so slightly altered, until matter actually forms from the duplications. When dealing with exhibit B, you must remember to take credit for the seemingly deep discoveries that are being made. Otherwise, you will end up feeling the worst kind of violation known to us cerebrals....brain rape.

Exhibit C: The Kiss Ass. This person will agree with anything and everything you say. This dude will pull me in every time due to my overactive need to be accepted. You like manatees? NOWAY so does he and he just so happens to have read some bogus article on them 2 weeks ago where he very convieniantly can't remember any details other than that they're called sea cows. But of course you don't notice this shameless lie because you're too busy loving how he loves you and all of your glorious opinions. The point of this guy is to get you talking about yourself so that he can gush and you can come to the decision that he is incredibly intelligent and fascinating...because despite the fact that you may not realize his kiss ass techniques, you walk away with a fanastic heightened sense of self, and false feeling that someone out there "gets" you. Sorry sister, he just "gets" to fake his way into your head, heart, and pants.

Obviously my observant nature deserves that science award thing..pulitzer? newberry? ...nobel peace? I'd settle for an honorary mention at the elementary school science fair...the point is, people, BEWARE of the likeables. Proceed with caution.

frogger?

Yesterday I was driving around doing this, that, and the other thing when I spotted a squirrel in the middle of the road in my way. It was a baby squirrel and I guess doesn't quite have the rules of the road down...being that I am dominant, and he is roadkill. You all know how I feel about squirrels, but my kind heart had to stop and wait for him to cross the road. I pulled up to him...and he didn't budge, so I pulled up a little more...still nothing. I started yelling at him from my car...excuse me, squirrel, but I am big and scary and it's time for you to move because technically your life is in my hands...or the will of my right foot. He didn't seem to understand English, and I didn't feel like whipping out my Rodent, I'm a little rusty. I also kind of liked the power trip I was getting from this exchange. So I waited...in the middle of a street, putting my own life at risk for a squirrel's. Aren't they supposed to have an instinct for this exact occasion? And where would that instinct come from? I mean, I'm sure squirrels were around for a long time before cars. Acquired instinct? Since he was a baby maybe he hadn't acquired it yet. Isn't it crazy that for as often as we all drive, it's extremely rare to actually hit something?? Birds fly right in front of cars all the time but it's like we're all sychronized in a ballet of life so that we whiz by each other in a dance way too close to be coincidence. I did hit a butterfly yesterday, though. I saw it floating happily toward me in slow motion and before I could make a terrible decision to swerve, it splatted against my windshield...it was heartbreaking. But I am digressing...

The point is, the squirrels have an instinct for danger..a little signal that says, you better get out of the way or that loud moving object will flatten you. Sometimes I wish life were as easy as that...and the signs were as clear as a truck barreling toward you at 60 mph. All you have to do is run to the side and continue your fruitless search for acorns you hid a year ago. Our dangers are much more cleverly disguised, making it that much easier to get hit...and the aftermath often feels the same as a truck to the body. But there's a special place in my heart for that little squirrel I met yesterday, despite his worthless and terrifying species, because I relate. I too am oblivious to the bad, and am too preoccupied with my acorns to notice.