A psychic recently told me I wouldn't meet my soulmate for another 2 years. That's another 365 days x2 of drinking IPAs out of cans at bars alone like I am currently. I'm not great at math, but I know that's a lot of complex carbs.
So in this waiting period - while I'm in between an actual-person-relationship and whatever I'm doing right now (being a disorganized mess, a broke lush, a dog lady, etc.) I've decided that I should embrace my one actual defining quality. Single. In light of this, below you'll find the top 5-ish reasons why being single is The Best Thing To Ever Happen to You.
1. You don't have this whole other friend group that belongs to your boyfriend that you have to pretend to like.
What's worse than being on the outside of inside jokes? Of talk of football stats (if you've REALLY got the wrong dude), or of the frat days (if you should give up on your taste altogether and pick up a pamphlet at the closest nunnery). Being single means getting to create your OWN inside jokes with people like Liz Lemon and Tom Haverford.
2. You can chick out hard any time you want. Endless Bravo. So much Alanis. Boxed wine and 80's movies. Googling Ryan Gosling gifs BECAUSE YOU CAN.
3. You don't have some huge human taking up all your sleeping space.
I love my pillows and my leg room and having fitful dreams just for the hell of it. I also cannot sleep when someone is breathing next to me. It has nothing to do with the fear of sleep flatulants. Or snoring. (I'm a lady, therefore I know as fact neither of these is applicable for me). Maybe it's the excess CO2 being blown in my face? Maybe it's their dreams watching mine? I don't yet know, but I do know that I can't deal with having bags under my eyes just because some dude wants to be the little spoon.
3.5. You can keep really useful shit in your bed. Like a jar of peanut butter, your iHome, hair care supplies, your dog, assorted beverages (see #2), pepper spray, a Chia pet.
Selectively ignore the fact that in your singledom no one is petting your "Chia".
4. If you want to get fat you're totally allowed. There's no boyfriend to question your new nooks and crannies.
Eat your feelings. Drink your weekly calories in one night and then consume your weight in Van Leewan's ice cream. Good things exist for indulging and I'm not about to sacrifice any of it.
5. Lastly, and more importantly, you can taste test as many men in this all you can eat buffet city as you want. Dig in, ladies.
