Forgiveness is a weird thing. As a Christian, you're supposed to be able to forgive thy neighbor. Well since none of my actual neighbors have done anything needing forgiving, I guess my Christianity will just need to be extended to include other hoods. I don't know about you, but I have a hard time acquiring warm and fuzzies for people who did me wrong. My trust is a rarity, and when you have it, you should probably put it in a safe with 2 locks and build a moat around it. Yes, grab your pick ax and get to digging because you have something that not many do.
So when my trust is left on the floor and accidently or purposely stepped on, I have to find a way to realign myself and dig deep to be a bigger person....like linebacker big. Weighing in under 110 pounds, I've found it has proved difficult to stand that tall and wide. I'm still figuring out the logistics of it all (is torture an okay step in the process? can I yell? Do I break the other person down before I build them up again? WWJD? Humiliation? meh. probably not). So my path to finding peace with those in the world around me has lead me to a distinct realization. When I stop overthinking and I tune out the angry voice in my head that points fingers (and gives the finger), I can focus on my heart. I swear I'm not going to bust out into a techno song on "listening to your heart", but it's the actual truth -curse that stupid song for stealing my line. And now it's stuck in my head. But my heart is a warm and melty place, much like the asthenospherical layer of the earth, the only question on my Ocean's midterm on Wednesday that I will get right. My heart recognizes the people who are worth forgiving, and it does it of it's own accord, separate from my disagreeing brain. So when it comes down to it, forgiveness is not a conscious choice...it's not even a choice at all.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
when the sky fails you
Today I was walking by two dudes talking outside Humanities building and the one says, "today is a beautiful day, isn't it?" the other replies, "it really is glorious". I stood there for a second, processing this exchange. My perception of today cannot exactly be summed up in 'glorious'. It's chillier than I anticipated, and my legs have goosebumps. Not to mention that half of the sky is a teasingly bright blue, while the other half threatens rain...making me anxious since I don't have my umbrella. Today is one of those days that can't seem to commit to one particular description because it just can't make up it's mind. The irony in that just kills me. So I started pondering what might make a day "glorious", and came to the conclusion that glorious has big shoes to fill.
My first scenario of a glorious day is something like this: I wake up early to the sun shining in my window, and I'm energized instantly. There is a quartet serenading me as I get ready. Suddenly, it's announced that there are no classes for the day on account that it's entirely too nice outside to be in a classroom, and we are all ordered to go the beach. After the majority of the day having fun in the sun, friends and I enjoy a favorite dinner, shopping, and a movie. The entire day I have a sense that I am exactly where I want to be with whom I want to be with.
That would be a deliciously glorious day, no? It's just one of many examples I could think of, but each example shared something in common: there was something out of the ordinary and spectacular about them. They held a sense of perfection that is almost impossible to acheive. Scratch that--perfection in a day IS impossible to acheive. So I started rethinking what glorious could possibly mean to me. It hit me that today COULD be a glorious day despite the indecisiveness of the sky that I trusted so adimently to never fail me with it's rays of sunshine. Today is whatever I want it to be. I can choose to appreciate my time with my friends today as glorious, or the package I got in the mail as glorious. There are so many little things that are taken for granted in a day. When life gets rocky, there's an inclination to turn it all inward, but look around! We have today to do great things, to love others, to make new decisions, to create, to BE. That's so glorious.
My first scenario of a glorious day is something like this: I wake up early to the sun shining in my window, and I'm energized instantly. There is a quartet serenading me as I get ready. Suddenly, it's announced that there are no classes for the day on account that it's entirely too nice outside to be in a classroom, and we are all ordered to go the beach. After the majority of the day having fun in the sun, friends and I enjoy a favorite dinner, shopping, and a movie. The entire day I have a sense that I am exactly where I want to be with whom I want to be with.
That would be a deliciously glorious day, no? It's just one of many examples I could think of, but each example shared something in common: there was something out of the ordinary and spectacular about them. They held a sense of perfection that is almost impossible to acheive. Scratch that--perfection in a day IS impossible to acheive. So I started rethinking what glorious could possibly mean to me. It hit me that today COULD be a glorious day despite the indecisiveness of the sky that I trusted so adimently to never fail me with it's rays of sunshine. Today is whatever I want it to be. I can choose to appreciate my time with my friends today as glorious, or the package I got in the mail as glorious. There are so many little things that are taken for granted in a day. When life gets rocky, there's an inclination to turn it all inward, but look around! We have today to do great things, to love others, to make new decisions, to create, to BE. That's so glorious.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
it is such a secret place, the land of tears
I don't know if the men reading will be able to relate, or if they are willing to admit to relating, but silently, motionlessly nod to yourself, or just come along for the ride. Now, all my ladies (I've always wanted to say that but always felt i was too white to do so) I know you can relate. Yes...I'm talking about a good cry.
It's an amazing mystery to me that crying in hysterics...full on hyperventhilation mode for me personally...can have healing benefits. There's something in the uninhibited release of a physical manifestation of your emotions that can have the power to lift a weight off your mind. Crying is so basic. Babies cry as their only way of expressing their desires or needs. We pride ourselves as we grow older on our abilities to communicate so sophisticatedly, while sometimes the only way to work through our thoughts is to revert back to infancy. Talking through an issue is not a sufficient method of solving it, because a lot of times there aren't words to put to our pain-it's just there and throbbing. Antoine Saint-Exupery wrote, "it's such a secret place, the land of tears", and it IS just that. It's an extremely personal experience, making it almost impossible for others to understand the swirling, rising and falling surge of emotion behind our crying. The secrecy can keep people away...but that makes it all the better. We are constantly surrounded by our peers everyday, especially in college. We sleep, eat, study, watch tv, paint our nails, brush our teeth...do EVERYTHING in the presence of other people, and we are trained to demand "what's wrong?" when another shows their emotion. Instead of trying to describe something so complex, though, have a moment to yourself with your feelings...that's what I did tonight.
I hadn't had a real thorough cry in awhile, so today the barriers broke on the dam and a flood overtook the land. It was an ugly cry. A gasping, face scrunching, snot dripping, mascara running mess of a cry. I bawled for a solid 2 hours, and when I finally calmed down and emerged, I felt drained of energy, but also drained of all my negativity. I emerged with a brighter outlook and a peacefulness about me. I also emerged with swolen eyelids, red eyeballs, and a headache...but it feels right. So please never feel like you're too tough or too old to cry the ugly cry. I believe with all my heart that it is at the core of our sanity to release our negative energy, and what better outlet than tears?
It's an amazing mystery to me that crying in hysterics...full on hyperventhilation mode for me personally...can have healing benefits. There's something in the uninhibited release of a physical manifestation of your emotions that can have the power to lift a weight off your mind. Crying is so basic. Babies cry as their only way of expressing their desires or needs. We pride ourselves as we grow older on our abilities to communicate so sophisticatedly, while sometimes the only way to work through our thoughts is to revert back to infancy. Talking through an issue is not a sufficient method of solving it, because a lot of times there aren't words to put to our pain-it's just there and throbbing. Antoine Saint-Exupery wrote, "it's such a secret place, the land of tears", and it IS just that. It's an extremely personal experience, making it almost impossible for others to understand the swirling, rising and falling surge of emotion behind our crying. The secrecy can keep people away...but that makes it all the better. We are constantly surrounded by our peers everyday, especially in college. We sleep, eat, study, watch tv, paint our nails, brush our teeth...do EVERYTHING in the presence of other people, and we are trained to demand "what's wrong?" when another shows their emotion. Instead of trying to describe something so complex, though, have a moment to yourself with your feelings...that's what I did tonight.
I hadn't had a real thorough cry in awhile, so today the barriers broke on the dam and a flood overtook the land. It was an ugly cry. A gasping, face scrunching, snot dripping, mascara running mess of a cry. I bawled for a solid 2 hours, and when I finally calmed down and emerged, I felt drained of energy, but also drained of all my negativity. I emerged with a brighter outlook and a peacefulness about me. I also emerged with swolen eyelids, red eyeballs, and a headache...but it feels right. So please never feel like you're too tough or too old to cry the ugly cry. I believe with all my heart that it is at the core of our sanity to release our negative energy, and what better outlet than tears?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
V-day? how about D-day.
Let's talk about Valentine's Day. This holiday of love is rapidly approaching, and my feelings toward it are still luke warm. Last year i spent Vday alone on a beach in Newport where I drew a heart in the sand, thinking it'd be appropriate, which only made me even more angry. So I rode my bike through it. The year before that, I wore hot pink pants to a Keith Urban concert with my parents. I figured that the situation was sad enough, why not draw more attention with neon bottom wear? The year before THAT I was deathly ill and broke up with my boyfriend on Valentine's Day. As you can see, me and good ol Vday don't have the best reportoire. I'm sorry but a child wearing a diaper with an arrow is just not safe. Add some wings and you have a disaster waiting to happen. Weapons and babies do not mix, so what gives, Cupid?! So I was planning on my usual dark day this Valentine's...staying low and pretending like it doesn't exist. However! Today my attitude was slightly altered thanks to my favorite store...Target. Target has not one, not two, not three...but FOUR aisles of hot pink and bright red. I can't help but be completely uplifted by the wall to wall coating of my favorite color, with hearts dangling from the ceiling and puppies popping out of stuffed cupcakes. They even had princess wands. It was a fairytale land! Naturally I bought Valentine's M&Ms and hershey kisses even though I won't eat a single piece (eh hem). I also got little cards for all my friends and I'm determined to make this Valentine's Day a happy one. I may even have a few other surprises up my sleeve...but ya'll will just have to wait til February 14th!
All in all: this is the dumbest holiday ever invented. It was designed to make those without a significant other feel like a leper, and to give those WITH one an excuse to be nauseatingly cute. Maybe I'm bitter? Maybe I'm heartless and incapable of feeling the LOVE on the most commercial day of the year...maybe I'm overthinking this entire thing. BUT I'm going to make the best of the holiday, and be a loving participant.
All in all: this is the dumbest holiday ever invented. It was designed to make those without a significant other feel like a leper, and to give those WITH one an excuse to be nauseatingly cute. Maybe I'm bitter? Maybe I'm heartless and incapable of feeling the LOVE on the most commercial day of the year...maybe I'm overthinking this entire thing. BUT I'm going to make the best of the holiday, and be a loving participant.
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