I was just minding my own business, sitting here at work, when I got a Facebook notification sent to my phone that sent chills down my spine. You know how Facebook these days sends you little alerts if any of your 843 closest friends on the Book is within a 3,000 mile radius of where you’re sitting? Apparently someone I was once very close to (geographically and otherwise), but am now estranged from (geographically and otherwise), is down the street from my office getting their free pancake day on at iHop. I get that Zuckerberg is just living out his weird obsession to transform the populous into stage 5 creepers like himself, but I’m not too thrilled about these alerts. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m sitting on my couch in Los Angeles, I’m so happy that Stephen from 8th grade English is "buyin grapefruits at the Giant in Shrewsbury, PA – with his mom", but I don’t necessarily need a text about it sent to my phone. Besides, if you ARE around me, do I really want to know you went to the Chili's by my house and didn't invite me?? I like a bloomin onion as much as the next girl, and after a few of those Cadillac margs I happen to sing a tribute to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” that will take your breath away.
On this particular occasion, the notification made my hands clammy, my heart start beating in my fingertips, and I was suddenly faced with that gut wrenching decision whether or not to text the person asking why they’re practically on top of me. But what the heck would I say?? “Oh hey, haven’t seen you in 7 months, but I just got a text from the good people at Facebook indicating that you’re 480 yards away from me on Olive Ave., can you verify that?” No. In times like these I’m a firm believer in the old “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” adage. Facebook, why you gotta ruin that for me??
I’m convinced this whole social media bullshit is created for the sole purpose to make you feel like crap about yourself. We're constantly connected to everyone we've ever come in contact with and forced to look at how amazing their lives are. Whether they're posting photos from their Carribbean getaway, updating their status about their boyfriends' homemade baked ziti and its uncanny resemblance to Giada's...or nonchalantly eating pancakes 2 blocks away - I just don't want to know those things when I'm staring at a computer screen in a barren office, eating Ramen alone for the 5th night in a row, and haven't heard from your east coast ass in over half a year.
Since I'm obviously so upset I guess the thing to do would be to delete my account...but then how would I check in at my dentist appointment tomorrow? That would just be silly.
