is it in my elbow?

So when I write, I usually convince myself of these great realizations about life and the world and humanity. I get on a writer's high and the wisdom flows from an unknown source in my body. I reread them and I'm like, wow, this chick has got it together. The only problem is, I definitely don't have it together. If only I could be skellsbells in real life (apart from just with john wilson who coined the name circa 2008), then maybe I'd have the guts to be stronger, better, and tread more carefully and with more courage in this 3D, color film I'm living in.

rapunzel-itis

When it comes down to it, as much as I like to feel like a fiesty, strong little woman who has the upper hand in relationships, men always call the shots. I hate to admit this, but I wonder WHY?? If a girl calls off a relationship, it's socially accepted that a man is allowed to woo her back via: poem, serenade, flowers...any kind of soul bearing groveling that will get the job done. But women, if we are broken up with, we eat a gallon of ice cream and some fried chicken and are forced to move on with our lives. If WE grovel, we look desperate, needy, clingy, and that is inherently a bad thing.

So what gives? When men decide they need us back in their lives, many times they win. Women care too much! We want to see the best in someone (he was always so nice...when he was in a good mood...and not looking at himself in the mirror...), we hold onto our emotional attachments (ommmmg I loved how he used to text me back in a somewhat timely manner...or the time we went to the mall and he complained until I took him out to eat-it was so endearing the way his nose crinkles when he whines...), we TAKE THEM BACK. But guys--they throw us away like a used condom, and don't look back. They don't care, they never will.

But why can't I throw a rock at some dude's window and hold a boombox over my head? Why can't I decide I don't want to live without him anymore? I mean, I guess I could, but I just don't think a guy would respond to "In Your Eyes" the same way girls do.

It really doesn't matter how you look at it...we, women, will always be the ones stuck in a tower waiting for our knight to save us.

who... me?

My whole life I've had one basic picture of my identity. I am Caitlin Skelly, I am slightly shorter than average, I have brown hair, brown eyes, and I am from a tiny town in Pennsylvania. My life has been average. Like every typical suburban girl, I played field hockey, soccer, basketball, softball and a short stint as a dancer when i was 3 (that ended fast). I was averagely intelligent throughout high school, and averagely popular. My life can be traced through my outfits and my current boy issues. I am your basic, AVERAGE damsel. This self portrait is something that I believe in wholly, and I'm sure a lot of us do it. The truth is, it is debilitating.

It's summertime and I am home for 4 months before heading abroad, and I have nothing to do with my life. Sure, a summer job is in the works, but I have no obligations, no responsibilities, NOTHING that I must put effort into...and frankly I am beyond bored. What other time in my life will have this much free space in my schedule? And what am I doing with all this free time? I'm worrying about ME. I'm going to the gym, I'm picking about what I eat, I'm watching the television I want to watch, and reading books that will help me "grow" as a person. I see myself as average and unable to make a difference...and it's literally holding me back from heading out into the unknown and doing something for the good of humanity. That sounds lofty, but the good of humanity could be ANYTHING! I'm still figuring out what that exactly means for me, but it's time to start anywhere.

The "what can I do, I'm only me" attitude will set boundaries for myself that I don't recall placing. Why can't I head my church youth group? Why can't I rally to make a change locally? Why can't I volunteer and shake things up? I absolutely can, but I have to change my self-identity. I have to erase every belittling thought I have ever conjured up about myself, stop thinking, and start acting. I have got to admit that I am completely self-absorbed...and even wasting time putting yourself down counts, because that's time that could be spent using your health and gifts beneficially.

So I'm done analyzing my small problems. I'm tired of trying to change the little things in my life that are out of my control. I will not grow until I step outside of myself...and this summer was given to me for that purpose.

Just Laverne

Tonight I decided to make dinner for my loving family. When I say that I decided upon this, I actually mean that my mother woke me up at 7 AM demanding I do so. So I went to the grocery store, and took with me a list. I decided on the baby cart with the dual carriages...since my arm would most likely fall off with a basket, but I don't think I've reached full blown 4 footer status quite yet. That's a lot of maneuvering that I have not yet trained for...I'm pretty sure you need a license actually. Ok, I am in no way domestic. I have tried, I really have, but grocery stores absolutely allude me. Did you know there is an entire aisle dedicated to tomato products?? AND in that same aisle is where you find assorted beans?? If I had a grocery store, I would be WAY more systematic about the entire thing. I mean come on...beans and tomatoes? All my aisles would be themed...under the sea, day at the beach, christmas (there would ALWAYS be a christmas aisle), vegetables that are nasty, vegetables that are just okay, fruit with surprising pits that you might chip your tooth on if you were unaware, food my grandma might eat. Much better. So after wandering around aimlessly and quite inefficiently for over an hour, I headed to self check out. Why would I choose self check out? Why wouldn't I bask in the five star, high end idea of someone ELSE scanning and bagging my items? But no, society today has adapted a do it yourself slummin-it attitude to grocery check out, and I fell right into the scheme. I chose a frustrating fate for myself.
The machine started off pleasant enough, she welcomed me to Giant. I named her Shirley. Oh heyyyy, thank you I feel so welcome! But after scanning my seventh yogurt, Shirley got a little hostel with me, claiming I didn't place the item in the bagging area. Alright Shirls (She hates it when you call her that), I think I've been doing this whole scanning thing for 6 yogurts now, I got the hang of it, it's not that hard, i DO go to college. She was NOT happy with me, and persisted to yell at me about the yogurt which I had obviously already placed in the bagging area. Now I was drawing attention from fellow grocery shoppers. Wanting to fit in and not cause a scene, I tried to level with Shirley, making an exceptional point that if she had eyes or was an actual human being, she could plain as day see that I had followed instructions perfectly. Since she was not though, I could not blame her for the mix up. Hoping to calm her down, I placed a hand on the screen...there was a beeping and apparently I pressed a button and the ordeal was over. In the end, we parted on okay terms, Shirls and I. She thanked me for shopping there, and even reminded me not to forget the list of coupons printed out especially for me. I told her she was welcome and ran out of there... it took me almost as much time to check out than it did to shop for the stupid meal. Not to mention I was breaking a sweat and having deeper discussions with a machine than I had with a person in quite some time.

If you brave the grocery store alone, I would skip the mess and head straight to a line with personnel operating it...just don't tell Shirley.

xoxo...

I am terrible with goodbyes. Leaving school this year made me think about the goodbye ritual. The main action in this ritual is the hug - v. to clasp tightly in the arms, esp. with affection; embrace.

And just that happened. I am a natural, born hugger. My usual hug is cuddly, embrasive (not to be confused with abrasive)...and frequent. But when there is a goodbye involved, my sweet hug turns more into a death grip than anything else. I truly believe that the tighter I hold onto someone, the less likely we will actually have to say goodbye. Really the only thing that might happen is that I kill them...either with my squeeze or with the length of time it drags on...food and water are necessities, no? Maybe the longer and tighter I hug someone, they will eventually just attach onto my body and come with me.

But why do we hug??? I mean, doesn't it just make goodbye worse to have someone so near to you just to juxtapose it to the distance once we part? No matter where you travel, you will always miss someone. But if we dwelled on the missing, then we would never grow from the new people in new places. So all we can do is go with all our hearts, knowing that everyone that we've hugged goodbye is in there.

time to move on

I've recently abandoned this blog in hopes that more space in brain could be cleared for academic purposes. But alas, now sophomore year of college has ended, and my brain is still on stressed out auto pilot! So to calm the mood and insert some nostalgia, I want to take a serious turn and write some of the people who I've gotten the incredible opportunity to know this year a little sumthin-sumthin. So I am sorry to all of you to whom this does not apply, you know that I like to keep my posts neutral, but I feel a rush of emotion sitting here in my empty dorm ...and I must get it out....

Kjrstin- You are my roommate soul sister. I have cherished getting to come home to you...and leaving the door unlocked (when I remembered) for when you brought the bacon home from work late at night. You make my side hurt from laughing just by opening your mouth...but most importantly you've been a huge rock for me. I cannot count the times I have collapsed and broken down in front of you...and you are still my friend!!! You know what to say and how to be a comfort, and I couldn't have gotten through the year without you.

Kbell- I am forever grateful for our celine dion car rides. Sometimes a girl just needs to belt out about a broken heart! ....or swoon over the sultry voice of j-biebs. either or! You always center me and remind me to chill when needed...and i know i can come to you with anything. You are generous to the core, and the only person who can keep me from misplacing my brain. You are honestly a sister to me and i adore you and all your perkyness and your crowns and your bows and your essential kaitlyn bell-ness that is only you.

Shelby-Here we were in california, 2 girls FAR from home...the distant, foreign country known as the east coast. In the midst of it all, we always spoke the same language, and it was a relief to have someone who understood me in all my weird east coast ways. You are generous and faithful and honest...such redeemable, amazing qualities. I've never had a friend who was so ferociously loyal no matter what...and I cannot believe you will be overseas in a REAL distant land for all of junior year. I don't know what I'm going to do without you.

Megan- I love you. No....like really. You have taught me to be more sane...i know, baby steps...but you have. We are room 318, the original skelly and megs gettin the job done. No matter what's happened, everytime I see you I feel like i'm looking in the mirror. You crack me up like no other, and you listen like no other. You've taken my side on so many random issues in my life...even when i was wrong (eh hem...kinkos, anyone?), but it's meant so much to me. I've missed you this semester...and I hope the future doesn't keep us far apart. ...because when i told you my parents rented a mini van to move me in, you said i was bringin sexy back one van ride at a time....and i don't just forget stuff like that :)

Lauren- as was once pointed out, we're in the early stages of dating. staying up super late, texting, making plans for the future! But really your friendship over the past 2-ish months has meant so much to me. You are someone who understands without explanation, and wants to be a shoulder without agenda. You are an incredibly positive, intelligent, compassionate person. I am beyond grateful to know you, and am completely angry we didn't sooner! BUT! We always have skype!

Scotty- I have this text message saved in my phone and I look at it when I need a laugh: "This is what you do, next time he knocks on the door, tell him you don't want any of his girl scout cookies and when he becomes a boy scout and starts selling popcorn you might be interested." I LOVE IT. I wish i had kept a book of scotty one-liners. You and Rambo are my favorite father and son combo. please please come visit, i'll miss you too much for 8 months!

Andrew- You have taught me an incredible amount about myself over the past 7 months. You've made me a better listener, you've inspired me to create more, you've tested my patience and my heart....but all around you sparked something inside of me. As we part ways, I hope your purple period is prosperously inspired.

There are so many other people...david brown, dan erickson, bobby rodrigues, fernando raigoza, lindsay adler, storie...the list goes on and now this just sounds like an Oscar's acceptance speech. This year has been an interesting ride for me, but as tom petty once sang... it's time to move on, time to get goin, what lies ahead i have no way of knowin...but under my feet the grass is growin..time to move on, time to get goin.