I arrived at the Centrum at 10:58 AM with the full intention of eating an early lunch as my first class for the day was cancelled. There are a few stragglers eating breakfast, and the sign indicates that lunch won't be offered until 11 AM. I decide to wait out the two minutes. The cashier patiently waits for me to approach, but instead we have a staring match from an awkward distance where I try to explain my situation through facial expression. I don't recommend this technique. Just because you're a loner doesn't mean you should go around accidentally eye fucking innocent employees. They don't get paid enough for that. After a minute of this awkward silent exchange I decide that these two minutes are personally out to torture me, and to take my own revenge, I cut one short and just order a bagel. It later turned out that the joke was actually on me as I left hungry and lunchless.
Next, the lone eater must choose seating wisely. If possible, don't be a jerk, save the 4-chair tables for 4 people. If you're eating alone it probably already means you don't have many friends. Don't perpetuate this by pissing off large parties of people. While choosing, I avoid a table that faced another lone eater. There's nothing worse than having someone in your line of "staring off into space vision" when you're trying to gnaw on a wrap. Although these people are alone as well, again you do not want an accidental eye fuck. It's impossible to gauge the state of desperation of another loner, and this could result in unwanted confrontations on your way to the bathroom.
Now that you've chosen your seat, it's time to eat. I recommend bringing something with you that makes you look smart. This does not include playing Words with Friends on your iPhone. It's wonderful that you just scored 70 points from a word you didn't know existed in the English language until Words with Friends accepted it, but everyone else is going to assume you're just pretending to text the friends you don't have. Instead, bring mystery to your lonely eating with a book- preferably in a foreign language. Today I read my French literature book even though I had no homework. This way, you'll most likely have a perplexed look on your face the entire time while trying to decipher the meaning. This says: I am choosing to eat alone because I'm worldly and quite frankly better than you.
My lunch turned breakfast was cut short today by a mosquito circling me. My frantic waving hands broke the last rule. Be invisible. Don't draw attention to yourself if you can help it. After several attempts to rid myself of the pest (including squatting down under the table where I knew it was hiding and plotting its next move in order to verbally threaten it), I decided enough was enough and it was time to go be alone somewhere more acceptable. Like here in the library. Like I said, kids this is no joke, but by feigning nonchalance and following these guidelines, you too can dine tout seul.
