mull it, ponder it, don't do it

A wise woman brought it my attention something that I was already thinking. But sometimes you don't even realize what you're thinking until someone tells you! Anyway, this ravishing female told me that there's too much in the world to think about, so there's not enough time for homework. I whole-heartedly agree. As I told her, at that very moment I was thinking of painting my nails. Of course I'm not actually going to paint my nails, that requires energy and emotional as well as physical exertion that I'm ill prepared for. The color choice! What does one connotate over another? What do I want to stare at for the next week on my hands (a body part I use almost as frequently as my mouth)? Then I have to take off the existing polish...always a strenuous task. I forget my thumbs every time and am forced to double back which involves reopening the remover and grabbing yet another cotton ball. What if I make a mess of my hands? What if after all my hard work I forget and grab some chips and ruin them?! There are so many variables that I cannot wrap my head around that I'd prefer to just ponder the idea.

Tomorrow, as the smart woman told me....all the thoughts turn into possible maybes. Yes, I see that. Tomorrow I will pick up a cotton ball, and put it down. I might look at my color selection and finally choose one. I might even start to complain about the current state of my nails as a way to urge myself into finally doing the dreaded task.

Other equally worldly thoughts on my mind: girls: saran wrap or cling free dryer sheets-why most are the former in relationships and why, how awesome it would be to have a monkey named winston and dress him in suit for all occasions, why Australians like Vegemite (see? international), and most importantly why everyone in the world can open their eyes under water and I physically am incapable.

Take some time to mull it over, people....all the "its" your brain can muster!

ewHarmony

So most of you know my biggest fear in life, but I would like to elaborate since I have the time and space and attention of everyone. Many people are afraid of heights, or dying, or terrorists, or M. Night Shyamalan movies, or bad dye jobs, but I have a very specific, and very real phobia that has plagued me for some time. Please feel compassion, for I am afraid of one day resorting to an eharmony account. Now you can scoff and laugh and assure me all you want that this wretched event will never take place, but I will not be comforted until I am walking down the aisle before age 50.

I will be that (insert relation here: friend/sister/daughter) that everyone passes around on holidays. My sister's or friends' kids will get a kick out of me until I hit my fifth glass of wine and start talking about my embellished glory days, telling pull my finger jokes, and getting violently jealous of their 6th grade relationships.

When commercials for eHarmony come on tv, I have a physical reaction. If I'm holding something in my hand, I immediately involuntarily drop it to the floor, my eyes get wide, and my breathing becomes shallow as I watch obvious actors describe their success. This reaction is not to be confused with the one when Anderson Cooper 360 comes on CNN...though the same on the outside, they are very different on the inside. I mean sure, the former users look happy enough, but they entered in that they like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain in order for a computer to generate a person of the opposite sex to "complete" them. I don't particularly want a computer to give me my Jerry McGuire ending. I envision a much more organic meeting of my soulmate. I will be reading in a coffee shop somewhere, completely engrossed in a thought provoking, philosophical novel...on the verge of a great new revelation...when an attractive, yet faceless, man approaches. I've accidently taken his coffee, which happens to be the same as mine, but a vente rather than a grande. As he politely interrupts, he is taken aback by the book's title. Alas, he is an avid reader and has an endless arsenal of knowledge and opinions on the book in my hands. We spend the day engrossed in conversation on a vast number of topics, and we leave with the silent acknowledgement that we will no longer be on the search.

So as you see, I have it all planned out. The only problem is, I hardly spend any time in coffee shops, and do most of my reading in my own bed. If there's a guy passing by my bed that I don't know, we have bigger problems. Maybe I should start frequenting random Starbucks'. But for the amount of lattes I'd have to purchase waiting for this faceless dude, I might as well just use that money for my eHarmony profile. Crap.

mourning morning

I spent the day in bed. I wallowed and I slept and I let myself sink down into the mattress and not worry about the crap that I was missing in my Women in Religion class taught by a flighty professor who has nothing better to do than make "Joy to the World" into a sexual experience. It was raining out today, which was so apropos, that it could not have been a better morning for wallowing. We all need these days of reflection to take a break from running, and let pain finally overtake us. Who are we kidding? Pain is a Kenyan. Pain will always lap us, so why sprint until an asthma attack, tricking ourselves into thinking it won't?

Some days you just need to feel every pin that the world has stuck in the voodoo doll version of yourself in order to mentally take those pins out. Even if you can't heal yourself, it's okay to block out the noise and listen to the only person that matters-you. At the end of the day, as much as I wish someone could, no one can make it better like I can. So I spent the day in bed with myself, to listen and learn like I so diligently do for everyone else in my life.

If you feel overwhelmed, I highly suggest this tactic.

the assembly line

We are being pulled in a thousand different directions with huge and minute decisions to make everyday. What do I eat for breakfast? Do I have time to go to the gym? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Is this person right for me? Do these jeans make my butt look big?

I've been getting so lost in the noise of it all. The questions are coming at me too fast...like those assembly lines in comedies where the protagonist always ends up stuffing the product down his shirt or eating them. I am drowning in a sea of questions because I can't always answer them, and we are taught that you must answer all questions. Hell, on the SAT leaving an answer blank subtracts extra points. We MUST find a place to stuff all this crap coming down the conveyor belt and fast! And why? Because we have to keep up. We have to look good. We have to appease everyone around us....boyfriends, teachers, parents, friends. But what has happened to ME? Where am I in this mess? I mean, it IS my life. So easily I forget that I own one of those...a life...hmmm wow. So enough of the making everyone else happy all the time. I want to take these questions one at a time, and not answer the ones I'm not ready to answer. This life would be nothing without the boyfriends, teachers, parents, and friends...but sometimes this life is overwhelming because of them.

Someone once told me I was strong, and at the time that felt fraudulent. So I'm working on making that true, and unfortunately it has started with some drastic changes in areas of my life I've counted on and BEEN counted on. But it's time to change and answer my questions according to me, and I hope you understand.

paint by numbers

One thing I love about being home is looking back through a journal of thoughts I kept throughout high school, and that I add to everytime I'm home. For every decision that I look back on and question my judgment or my naivitee, there is an overlying emotion that strung the event together. Though I may have grown, matured, and honed my decision making skills...or simply learned through broken hearts or happiness...those emotions are so strongly in tact today.



I found this entry I had written about someone who is no longer a part of my life...and even though I don't see this particular person anymore, the sentiment rings true for so many of the people who ARE in my life at this very moment:

There are people who come into your world and turn it upside down. There are people who destroy your world. Then there are those who enter your world and color it. These people are special and very rare. They give you personal space with room to breathe in everyday life, but they fill the cracks and the ordinary with new light. This person keeps a steady 3 steps behind you in case you fall, but they never interfere with your pace. They inspire your best qualities to shine on display, and make you want to reach a little farther.

When this person comes along with their paint brush and adds color to every aspect of your life with their sheer being- don't question. Don't ruin the gift by wondering what's around the next corner. Just appreciate this rare occurance for what it is-a blessing.