I like to think that I'm a fun person. Once I took an Irish car bomb and another time I even rode Space Mountain 3 times in a row...after a plate of fried vegetables. I don't know what more you people could want from me, but on Halloween I just can't hang.
The pressure of finding the perfect costume is debilitating to the point where I can't even show my face on all Hallows Eve due to a stomach ache and the extra 10 lbs I've put on from all the Snicker's fun sized bars I've stress eaten. It's just not in my nature to put on a pair of spiky black ears, hot pants and a tube top and hit the scene as a slutty cat. I don't think I've ever met a slutty cat to even know how to get into character, and if I wanted a man dressed as Superman to oggle my ass cheeks I'd go to Hollywood Boulevard on a Tuesday morning.
That leaves the witty/funny costume category as my only hope. You'd think someone as naturally hilarious (pathetic) as myself would have this down. Unfortunately, my humor gets a little lost in translation on the wardrobe front. There's a terrible Seaman costume idea in there somewhere. So as you see, I'm screwed.
Speaking of Seamen, if we're going to get down to brass tacks, Halloween is only the second best holiday in October. Maybe this is because I'm bitter about my failure to produce a worthy costume year after year, or because I'm lazy, but Columbus Day is the real star of the 10th month. Christopher Columbus was a damn fool. However, each year when we celebrate his mediocrity, at least we get a day off school or work. So go have fun with your women in various states of undress with an assortment of ears glued on their head bands. You can have your chocolate comas and haunted houses. Me and old Chris will be kickin back in India...I mean America...and awaiting the start of November.
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