NowayCupid

I joined OkCupid.  For those of you under a rock, OkCupid is equivalent to online shopping...except instead of shoes, you scout out men, and instead of Paypal, it's free.  It got it's name because whenever you're scrolling through matches you're tempted to say, "Ok, Cupid, REALLY??! There's an 87 percent chance that this bisexual man from Jersey City and I are meant for each other???"  Regardless, I'm in.  I've always been terrified of the idea of online dating.  I want a meet-cute between my soon-to-be leading man and I.  As my dear friend Andrew knows, I'm convinced this will happen in the dairy aisle at the grocery store.  I have self-gathered and highly unreasonable statistical evidence supporting these odds.  I can't help but believe in fate, but has fate evolved with the times, including the Internet in its web?  I'm just not convinced.

I'm overwhelmed, I'm confused, I'm on an old episode of The Dating Game....bachelors number 1 through 5,436: describe the 6 things you can't live without.  The profile questions are laughable, yet how to talk yourself up without sounding too pretentious?  How to say...aren't I charming answering these formulaic questions designed to unlock the real essence of me?  Allow me a couple hours to work on the essence of me, and I'll let all you potential suitors know what that is once I've hashed out a few rough drafts.

For example... On a Friday night I'm at a concert, I'm at a bar, I'm jetsetting to Bali.  On a Friday night I'm actually eating Doritos on my couch with Netflix, but no one wants to date Couch Girl.   Don't you want to be mine based on my 3 carefully chosen and Instagrammed profile pictures of me wearing sunglasses and making duck lips?

 In true form, my profile has turned out sarcastic and self-depricating, with one mention of my elbow-licking ability...and apparently that's what all the single bachelors in the NYC metropolis are looking for.  I'm fascinated by the number of men who have latched on to one specific fact I mentioned in my profile and have gone on to create messages of sonnets, novels, and short stories about said fact worth publication in The New Yorker.  I was expecting creepers throwing out sweepingly general compliments about my eyes or my smile... something more along the lines of "gurl, u sexy."  Instead I've genuinely laughed at these men's attempts to catch my attention...so witty in their hope.  But alas, my dear OkCupid love matches, I just can't bring myself to have coffee with you or grab a drink, and to that one guy who asked me to go camping - I've alerted the appropriate authorities about you.  I'm so sorry, it's been fun and silly and flattering...but my soulmate is waiting for me between the 2% milk and the Yoplait.