who... me?

My whole life I've had one basic picture of my identity. I am Caitlin Skelly, I am slightly shorter than average, I have brown hair, brown eyes, and I am from a tiny town in Pennsylvania. My life has been average. Like every typical suburban girl, I played field hockey, soccer, basketball, softball and a short stint as a dancer when i was 3 (that ended fast). I was averagely intelligent throughout high school, and averagely popular. My life can be traced through my outfits and my current boy issues. I am your basic, AVERAGE damsel. This self portrait is something that I believe in wholly, and I'm sure a lot of us do it. The truth is, it is debilitating.

It's summertime and I am home for 4 months before heading abroad, and I have nothing to do with my life. Sure, a summer job is in the works, but I have no obligations, no responsibilities, NOTHING that I must put effort into...and frankly I am beyond bored. What other time in my life will have this much free space in my schedule? And what am I doing with all this free time? I'm worrying about ME. I'm going to the gym, I'm picking about what I eat, I'm watching the television I want to watch, and reading books that will help me "grow" as a person. I see myself as average and unable to make a difference...and it's literally holding me back from heading out into the unknown and doing something for the good of humanity. That sounds lofty, but the good of humanity could be ANYTHING! I'm still figuring out what that exactly means for me, but it's time to start anywhere.

The "what can I do, I'm only me" attitude will set boundaries for myself that I don't recall placing. Why can't I head my church youth group? Why can't I rally to make a change locally? Why can't I volunteer and shake things up? I absolutely can, but I have to change my self-identity. I have to erase every belittling thought I have ever conjured up about myself, stop thinking, and start acting. I have got to admit that I am completely self-absorbed...and even wasting time putting yourself down counts, because that's time that could be spent using your health and gifts beneficially.

So I'm done analyzing my small problems. I'm tired of trying to change the little things in my life that are out of my control. I will not grow until I step outside of myself...and this summer was given to me for that purpose.