Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Just Laverne

Tonight I decided to make dinner for my loving family. When I say that I decided upon this, I actually mean that my mother woke me up at 7 AM demanding I do so. So I went to the grocery store, and took with me a list. I decided on the baby cart with the dual carriages...since my arm would most likely fall off with a basket, but I don't think I've reached full blown 4 footer status quite yet. That's a lot of maneuvering that I have not yet trained for...I'm pretty sure you need a license actually. Ok, I am in no way domestic. I have tried, I really have, but grocery stores absolutely allude me. Did you know there is an entire aisle dedicated to tomato products?? AND in that same aisle is where you find assorted beans?? If I had a grocery store, I would be WAY more systematic about the entire thing. I mean come on...beans and tomatoes? All my aisles would be themed...under the sea, day at the beach, christmas (there would ALWAYS be a christmas aisle), vegetables that are nasty, vegetables that are just okay, fruit with surprising pits that you might chip your tooth on if you were unaware, food my grandma might eat. Much better. So after wandering around aimlessly and quite inefficiently for over an hour, I headed to self check out. Why would I choose self check out? Why wouldn't I bask in the five star, high end idea of someone ELSE scanning and bagging my items? But no, society today has adapted a do it yourself slummin-it attitude to grocery check out, and I fell right into the scheme. I chose a frustrating fate for myself.
The machine started off pleasant enough, she welcomed me to Giant. I named her Shirley. Oh heyyyy, thank you I feel so welcome! But after scanning my seventh yogurt, Shirley got a little hostel with me, claiming I didn't place the item in the bagging area. Alright Shirls (She hates it when you call her that), I think I've been doing this whole scanning thing for 6 yogurts now, I got the hang of it, it's not that hard, i DO go to college. She was NOT happy with me, and persisted to yell at me about the yogurt which I had obviously already placed in the bagging area. Now I was drawing attention from fellow grocery shoppers. Wanting to fit in and not cause a scene, I tried to level with Shirley, making an exceptional point that if she had eyes or was an actual human being, she could plain as day see that I had followed instructions perfectly. Since she was not though, I could not blame her for the mix up. Hoping to calm her down, I placed a hand on the screen...there was a beeping and apparently I pressed a button and the ordeal was over. In the end, we parted on okay terms, Shirls and I. She thanked me for shopping there, and even reminded me not to forget the list of coupons printed out especially for me. I told her she was welcome and ran out of there... it took me almost as much time to check out than it did to shop for the stupid meal. Not to mention I was breaking a sweat and having deeper discussions with a machine than I had with a person in quite some time.

If you brave the grocery store alone, I would skip the mess and head straight to a line with personnel operating it...just don't tell Shirley.

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