diary of a masochist

Have you ever had a heartbreak that just wouldn't seem to go away?  Mine has taken up permanent residence with me like an oozing boil growing more infected every day, but instead of getting the proper medical attention to curb the infection I endure it. 

Heartbreak occurs more quickly than you ever thought possible and often with fewer gentle words than you feel you deserve given the pain that follows.  I find I'm constantly astonished at how clean and concise the parting of ways manifests on the surface - how casually someone can exit your life after having entered like a welcome whirlwind that came with its own soundtrack, rumpled your well-made bed, and branded your favorite Brooklyn hideaways.  A brief exchange can end the prospect of what you assumed was a promised future despite such a memorable past; leaving behind a labrynth of doubt to face.

Like a true masochist, my way of facing this doubt is clinging to it - because if you think about it, isn't being heartbroken such a beautifully somber occasion?  Think of all the Celine Dion sing alongs in your shower!!  Think of wine and chips in bed! I look kind of cute after I tear up!  I'm by no means taking selfies with heavy black eyeliner and I haven't listened to Dashboard Confessional in 6 years...but there's something so poignant in my missing him that I must admit I enjoy.  I feel a sting as I walk past the restaurant in Soho where we had our first date and I'm slapped in the face everytime Chvrches is shuffled on my Spotify - and buried in the hurt there's a chill of happiness in each moment of remembering us. 

When confronted with this man today, I consciously know why we're not together and recognize that he and I are like an attempt at a high-five that only grazes the fingertips.  And yet. Maybe feeling a loss for an extended amount of time isn't as self-destructive as it sounds.  It's made me wonder if our heartbreak isn't just in fact a reminder of our ability to love -  a phenomenon we don't need to tirelessly try to "heal" from, but something we should remember fondly and often.