the divide

I've often battled with coming to terms with my "religiousness". My parents raised me in a household where church was a constant, and the congregation my extended family. When you're little, it becomes a part of you and your weekly routine like watching your favorite show on Wednesdays, or getting up to go to school every weekday. Sunday meant Sunday school and church. It didn't occur to me to dislike it until confirmation came around, and the middle school group-think began to take over. I took such a strong disliking to church during that time-whether it was because I found it boring or too difficult to mull over or just uncool, I can't remember. Maybe all of those things. But in high school a new divide came for me where I was surrounded by people I looked up to that embraced being Christian. It was then that I first became moved by being in that environment. Although I'd like to think that I've grown since my fickle days of not being able to make up my mind about Christianity and what it means to me and how it fits into who I am; and though my mother would ache to read this...I'm still searching to find my balance. Attempting to strike that balance between what it is to be 20 years old in 2009, and who I feel like I want to be everytime I stand in chapel leaves me divided. Tonight as a sat at my school's prayer circle/worship/reflection gathering, I felt full of hope and desire to be more, to do more, to love openly, to accept God into my life because I need Him. I feel like I can do anything when I'm there in such a peaceful, true place. Then I'm back in my own reality, and there are so many different directions I'm being pulled and it's hard to hear His voice above the noise. I admire my peers who are set on their path and can hear Him so clearly. I guess sometimes I just don't even know what to listen for, and other times I don't want to hear Him at all. Maybe I'm weak to let the pressures of the world collapse my faith, and only allow it to grow where it's easy in the presence of those who understand. But while the world tries its best to knock us completely off balance, in the end what's "good" is universal- truth and kindness and graciousness. So I suppose I'll continue to strive for that and figure the rest out on the way.