I can personally attest that New York City will make you
crazy. You wonder why there are grown
men dressed in overgrown ratty Elmo costumes wandering around Times Square
assaulting innocent bystanders with $15 hugs?
You wonder why the man in the handicap seat on your morning commute is always muttering about banana peels and sexy legs? You ever scratch your head as to why assless
chaps and a cowboy hat is a completely acceptable ensemble at most parades and
all McDonald’s in the 5 boroughs?? Well I
will tell you.
You too will crack eventually under this city’s constant
pressure. You may not resort to a
homeless lifestyle or moonlighting (and daylighting) as Hello Kitty, but little
by little you’ll feel its effects. Here’s
a brief list of facts that are slowly leading to my personal demise:
1.
Everyone
is gay. Don’t get me wrong…I love all
humans- gay straight blue green omnivores or NASCAR fans, but the ladies need
some love too. That well-dressed,
perfectly coiffed man you’re desperately trying to make eye contact with on the
7 platform? He has no interest in your parts,
my dear girl. When I first moved to New York I was convinced I had found a
utopian wonderland of men and I proceeded to fall in love 8 times a day on average. Silly, naive me. Then I noticed that these gorgeous creatures weren’t
smiling at me…they were smiling at the dude to my left. Now I’m sure I’ll never find anyone in this
town because all the good men are gay, and all the straight good men I will
pass off as gay and miss out on….BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GAY.
2.
Every day you rise out of bed, put on your gross
flats, stuff your pretty pumps in your bag and head out to battle. Getting anywhere in the city is a pain in the
ass, but getting to work during rush hour is inhuman. I use that word purposefully as there are any
number of animal metaphors that can be used to describe the stages. Climbing the stairs to your connecting train
like a cow in a cattle chute. Walking
the 5 blocks from Times Square to Herald Square area like a salmon swimming
upstream…except instead of fighting a current of water you’re fighting a
current of under-caffeinated, late New Yorkers.
I’d take sub-zero water temperatures 7 times out of 10. You get home at 8 PM wondering, "Where did my
energy go???" …well you elbowed 3 finance guys in the briefcase at a
stop light, got gouged in the eye with an oncoming umbrella, was squeezed
mercilessly by the closing subway doors (come onnn MTA, would motion sensors
kill you?? Because the lack of them is literally killing me), and overall you
walked about 3 miles total throughout the day.
3.
There is always an asshole wearing a backpack
standing in front of you on the crowded subway smothering your face. Coming in at 5’3’, I’ve been besieged by any
kind of backpack you can imagine: Patagonia, LL Bean, leather, hipster fabric,
Pikachu. Of course the owner of such a
destructive piece of luggage is usually around 6’2” and completely unaware the
havoc he’s reeking to my face behind him.
PS- I haven’t worn a backpack since middle school. Unless you’re 12, get a
grown up satchel or remove the thing before boarding my G train.
4.
Speaking of backpacks, living in the city means
that you are at all times carrying at least half of what you own on you at any
given moment while out and about. I live
in Brooklyn. I work in midtown
Manhattan. These locations might as well
be Sri Lanka and Alabama. There is no
quick trip home to grab your gym clothes, and who knows when you might need
your toothbrush, 3 types of face wash, rain boots, and a box of Goldfish snack
crackers?? They don’t call it the concrete jungle for nothin’, kids. Come prepared. Coming prepared means being a human pack mule. I don’t think I’ve ever walked through my
apartment doors at the end of the day with less than 70% of my weight in
necessities hanging off my 110 lb. frame.
Even just WRITING this entry has exhausted me. Instead of rounding off the list to a socially
acceptable 5 reasons, I’m capping this bitch at 4…because I’m a New Yorker and
I really just don’t care. But ya know
something?? I wouldn’t trade this lifestyle for anything. New York is a concentrated dose of humanity…anything
you want to believe about people is on display right outside your stoop. The good the bad the horrific the
questionable smelling – we’ve got it all.
You can keep your well-rested, vanilla life. I have giant bags under my eyes and the
greatest city in the world.
