time for the sun to finally set, Twilight.

Here with the comfort and anonymity this computer screen affords, I will admit to you all that in a galaxy not so far away known as high school circa 2007, I read the first installment of Twilight.  Not only was I hooked, but in all my 17 year old wisdom, I was convinced that Edward was my soulmate.  Nevermind that he was cold as stone and wanted to suck my blood.  It only made him more appealing.  The uninspired prose egged me on, and I read all 4 books by the time junior prom rolled around with  David Peeler.  Despite being quite dreamy, David's body temperature lingered at a consistent and boring 98.7 degrees.  Fast-forward to present day, and the woman behind this keyboard will look you in the eye and deny any and all Twilight affiliation.  No Twifiliation to speak of here. However, for the purpose of this review, I will whip out my secret Twilight expertise to deliver you a short list of reasons why you should not waste your time with such a dumb set of films.

1.  Kristen Stewart cannot act.  Kristen shows up on set in dire need of a laxative and manages to mug her way through scene after scene.  Sometimes while watching her I actually feel a little plugged up myself.  It infuriates me that this clumsy, talentless chick was welcomed aboard such a lucrative project.  With my thespian background as reindeer number 4 in the 2nd grade Christmas production, I'm very confident in my ability to make out with Robert Pattinson 1,000 times better than she.

2.  They decided to split Breaking Dawn into 2 movies so that you go to the theater for part 1 in 2011 ready for demon baby action, and you spend the $37 on your ticket and nachos and small diet Pepsi and NOTHING HAPPENS in the film.  It's one big Twilight conspiracy to rip off 13 year old screaming girls in Taylor Lautner t-shirts.  ...and the occasional 23 year old sophisticate with the box of wine and Dixie cups tucked in her handbag.

3.  Things get WEIRD in Breaking Dawn.  Kristen Stewart gets knocked up by her vampire husband.  Yes, kids, you TOO can have an evil spawn growing inside you, but just make sure you marry the fictional monster baby-daddy first.  Hello.  It's only ethical.  I haven't seen the latest movies, but in the book she starts bruising from the inside and her soul starts getting like sucked out of her or something.  The whole time you're like bitch, it's time to abort this mission...but then the thing pops out like a little angel.  The morality metaphors are flyin.

4.  Finally, for being such a highly anticipated film for reasons unknown to myself, the graphics are laughable. It's like they forgot to install the latest update to their CGI, made 4 movies and then were like OOOPS!

My advice?  Read the series in a foreign country, on a Kindle, saved under the pseudonym "Moby Dick" so at least you are exercising your literacy and being discreet about getting all hot and bothered by a werewolf.  You're a self-respecting grown up, for God's sake.

early moments

There’s something to be said about those early moments - the getting to know you moments between two people.  Not just the first kiss…although an important milestone, it’s not nearly as crucial as the first time you walk through a street fair together.  The first time you sit in a park or the first time you dance by the river. It’s about the first time being in his element, the first time being in yours, and the first time being on mutually foreign territory.  All the while navigating earthly events, you’re learning his movements, his tendencies, his flaws.  It’s the matching of this new physical being that’s breathing in front of you to the abstract soul you swear you’ve always known.  Those are the moments that create.

But sometimes it doesn't match up, and you’re left with the heartache of breaking up with the street fair and the park and the dancing.  You reluctantly give up the hope that his movements and tendencies and flaws could be good for you, because although happy, you can’t ignore the discrepancy they’ve revealed.  You move on a little dazed from your whirlwind of early moments, but better because of them.